I've been neglecting Xanga the way HU-freshman neglected HBCUConnect.com once we finally got access to Facebook...

I am officially single.

I have never been really and truly single since freshman year of high school. I've always been involved with someone, dating someone, seeing someone, or talking to someone. Never single. Never so single that when I look through my phone book, I don't have one person I would actually enjoy having a conversation with anymore. My boyfriend and I, after dealing with each other since November, finally called it quits yesterday for the third or fourth time. However, this time is different because I plan to stick to my decisions. Finally. I think it was one of the best decisions I made for a long time... I love Him to death but... I've been compromising myself for him. Compromising my "criteria". I kept thinking that maybe it was me, maybe I just had too many characteristics I was looking for in one human being and perhaps I was too "use" to the way other men have treated me prior to Him. So, I told myself to shut up, suck it up, and be with Him the way he wanted me to be with him - to get over how prior men treated me and see if I could get use to something else. We had something good going on, something that I never had with another man since My First Love. I did things for Him that I wouldn't have normally done for other men... But if someone loves you, you should feel it all the time. If you don't feel it, then there's a problem. And if I didn't make him feel it, then maybe I was biting some of that attitude he gave off. Whatever it was... I put up with alot of emotional things that had me to tears one too many times, and I've reached the point where I'm fed up. I want to know how it feels to be with someone who goes out of his way to make you feel like you're not just another female to him... Someone than does things for you because it makes you happy and eases your mind; Someone that doesn't continuously take and never give anything in return until you tell him to; Someone who tries to understand your anger instead of giving you excuses and then making you feel dumb for being angry in the first place (dumb in a bad way - dumb in a way where everything that upsets you, to Him, is just not worth you being upset about); Someone who doesn't make you feel like your emotions are a joke (when since did women have to apologize for their feelings?)... Is all that really too much to ask? Is it really too much to say I want to be with a Good Man and actually have him really want to be with me? And so, although my heart was on the verge of making a U-turn from my decision to call things quits (he has that affect on me)... my mind had to save the day. I ended my obbsession with the break up by saying this: "When things were good, they were real good. But when they were bad....they were real bad". I said it to myself enough times to keep my decision clear in view. It pissed him off. We ended on a note I would I preferred to avoid. But, Him and I have a type of relationship where there is no room for friendship. Close chapter.

I've learned the harm that using the phrase "Good Man" can do to the fragile minds of men. MEN think that they're all 'Good men".... if they breathe, pick up the phone when you call, and cum in a condom when they're suppose to, then they're good men (note saracasm). If they don't come over smelling like ass, if they stand next to you in public, and if they call back when they say they're going to, then they consider themselves to be good men (note saracasm again). According to most men, women are the ones who don't want good men because we've become too picky ("He's not tall enough", "He's not cute enough", "He he's not built enough", "He dont have a car!", "He has ZERO cash flow")... but men misunderstand the fact that every female has a type, and the elements of her "type" decide what a Good Man means to her. And to me... height, looks, and assets DO count. Not because I'm some type of shallow golddigger, but because I have money, I drive a Benz, and I don't want a man using me for what I have... And, if I'm dating you, I need to be attracted to you physically and sexually. Men don't date anything that has two legs and a personality, so why should Women?

What next? I don't necessarily feel like dating anyone else right now... I need time to let go of Him and be able to cope with being by myself. I never really learned how to be happily single. Every time I tried, another man with his two faces would waltz into my world and put butterflys in my stomach, make me fall for him, and then eventually make me realize just why everything that glitters really isn't gold. But. I'm going to try again. I'm going to go and do all those Single-girl activities I never really kept up with or practiced. Like... getting a manicure and pedicure from the Asian-people. Going to the mall and spending hundreds of dollars on pretty, unnecessary things. Going to the library and requesting a list of books from Black authors so that I can get lost in someone elses life when I'm working my eight hour shifts. Getting some old high school friends together to catch a movie. Or, better yet, go to the movies alone (never did THAT before). I don't mind being alone. Lonilness hurts when you're not use to it. It hurts because you feel like you need that other person to be there to make you happy and less empty. But you don't. And you only realize it when that person hurts you just THAT much... or when you've been lonely long enough to understand the cure. Besides... I don't feel any less lonely today than I've felt with Him on one of our best days.

- KSR

I haven't written in centuries.  I forgot Xanga existed. Plus, you can only say so much when you're peers are reading your every thought .

Being home for this winter break has made me realize many, many things. Infact, I might as well jump right into it:

(1) I remember upperclassmen telling me during the summer that HU-women are known for being stuck up, high class, and every 'nose-in-the-air' word you can think of. I mentally made a note to keep my down to earth personality where it was. Not to say that I have changed as a person, but attending Hampton seems to embedd in you this mentality and perspective of how you should be treated and should be seen as a Black woman (or Black man). It makes you create this subconscious list of standards that have to be met or else. You suddenly demand this respect from people around you, without even knowing that you're doing it. This standard is suddenly the boundary line between people you thought were your friends and men you thought were good enough to kiss you.  And you don't notice how much you uphold to the standard of a Hampton Woman/Man until you are back in your hometown and see the disaster that has happened to friends who chose 'the hood' over their future or who are doing the same thing they were doing when you left. I came back home and who wasn't in jail, pregnant, or on drugs was cemented into their "im hood" lifestyles. I look at Keshaun now and though I love him, I realize that being with him is something I can't risk. Being with him would break all the rules, and I know this. We are two different people, despite our attraction, history, and bond. Im usually the first to say that opposites attract, but it really depends. When a man makes the way you talk and think the subject of ridicule (he called me a Cracker!!) then you know he is not worthy of being a husband. ...And I don't talk 'white', I talk right!

(2) I look back on first semester and I'm honestly proud about how it went along. I don't feel like I made the wrong decision to come to Hampton at all. Even though the weather is a killer and sometimes I can't find a thing to do with myself, I realize that I'm right where I need to be and that its all about that HU-Experience. I learned some life lessons in the first semester of college and I'm sure everyone else did too. I learned that it's okay to say No, especially since no one is obligated to do anything; I learned that we have to pick and choose our friends or they will bring us backwards instead of forward; I learned that college-boyfriends will not have time for you unless you're fucking them, and if you aren't fucking them, then they won't have time for you - point blank; I learned that people talk, and if you shouldn't give them anything to talk about; I learned that there is a thin line between voicing your opinion and attacking people with your personal beliefs; I learned that you either do your work, or screw up and pay 20g's for entertainment purposes. There was definitely more, but I'm sure you all can fill in the spaces. I went from hanging with a group of a 9 to hanging with a group of 5, simply because I was made aware that the middle-school mentality is still alive and well in college. Some girls do not have their lives together: they find getting piss drunk a great passtime, they chase after men who barely look at them twice, they continue relationships with men that mean them no good only because their lack of self-esteem forces them to, they're idea of a joke is looking like a dumbass, they have this gassed up head that makes them think they are more worthy than others when in reality they are easily overlooked, and they use pathetic excuses like "I didnt think it was that serious" to justify all their wrongs. Without a doubt, some females need to step their game up before they realize its senior year, and the whole class still looks at them as "ms. forever-desperate, ms. always-drunk, and ms.i-think-i-am-the-shit-yet-i-let-men-treat-me-like-shit-because-my-self-esteem-is-negative-million". I realized quickly that you have to pick and choose your friends, or they make you look equally as pathetic. People can't help but assume that if you're friend is like that, then you are, too. It may not be true, but they assume regardless.

As for men ... first semester has definitely put the spotlight on the fact that no matter who he is, a man is just a man and nothing more. Sure, there are some differences and variations, but the basis is the same. They will reap what they don't sow, they will demand what they can't give, and they will even talk to your grandmother if it's easier to get in her panties. I have definitely developed a distaste for the opposite gender and as much as I try to lean back off of the men in my Life, they keep coming. But I've made up my mind! After my current lover, I am going to take a break. I need to learn to say no and be okay without a man in my Life. Infact, I'm going to use that excess energy and put it into my school work. My grades were good this semester but that was only off of 50% academic effort. I've challeneged myself: how much do you think 85% will do for me?

First semester also made me realize that parties get old QUICK. Same DJ's, same music, and somehow the same men seem to always find your ass to grind on it.. I'd much rather go out to dinner with the girls than go to a party, but I still try to attend as many as I can for other reasons. Still, there has to be more to do in Virginia than party, eat, and sleep

... I miss school. I'm bored here at home, and the highlight of my day are my facebook messages. HORRIBLE.

<3 Keisha "Ralli"

TEN random things about me:

10. I hate people who act ignorant
09.  I'm really picky about boys
08.  I'm not always 'perky', I have my quiet moments, too.
07.  I don't have a liscense...and i'm 18. Hey, I got a permit though!
06.  I miss the male attention I had at home. Too many pretty people here, lol
06.  I'm critical of myself... but I don't let anyone know of what.
05.  My personality is multi-dimensional. Hell yea bitches!
04.  I like a party. Apparently, people expect to see me at them. Might as well not disappoint! lol

03.  I can't touch my toes or do a split... but, that doesn't mean shit.
02.  I'm going to be a famous person one day. For what? My personality. Wanna bet?
01.  I'm my worst enemy. No one else can bring me down but me.

NINE ways to win my heart:

09.  Good kissing techniques
08.  Admiration for my unique intellect
07.  Strong, Sexy, and Silent types. Contridictingly, outgoing men lol
06.  Respectful: to me, to elders, to my friends, to people he doesnt know
05.  Anious to show me off 
04.  Kows the difference between me and his other female friends 
03.  Faithfullness
02. Um...
01. Touchy feely.. always wants to be close to me 

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

08.  Become rich and famous
07.  Travel

06.  Get a college degree or two 
05.  Own a clothing label and a magazine
04.  Get married to the guy of my dreams and have twins =D
03.  Meet Oprah
02.  Make an attempt at modeling (Some chicks were trying out for this fashion show and I watched and couldn't help but laugh. IF YOU CANT WALK FROM POINT A TO POINT B ON A DAILY BASIS WITHOUT LOOKING STUPID, WHY TRY MODELING ASSES! Shit. Check yourself before you wreck yo self lmao)

01.  Die peacefully

SEVEN ways to annoy me:

07.  By being a groupie to a man who isn't that cute
06.  Being bias
05.  To have the nerve to say CARAMEL inccorectly lol

04.  Hypocrisy
03.  People who try to mediate but have no right to
02.  Fake people - Why speak to me when we both know we not cool?
01.  People who aren't openminded or willing to accept others who are different

SIX things I believe in:

06.  God
05.  Love
04.  Happiness

03.  Being true to you and no one else
02.  Tarot cards lol

01.  The power of knowing who you are and knowing what to do with yourself

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

05.  bugs
04.  Dogs
03.  People thinking that this 'me' is made up and not authentic. Who goes around CREATING a personality out of thin air?
02.  Getting drunk then raped.
01.  Confrontations with people who just need to be slapped before they can understand anything.

FOUR of my fave items in my room:

04.  My black bed sheets
03.  My CLAIRES drawer lol Nothing but accessories =D
02.  My animal crackers

01. My body spray (I stay so fresh to death lol)

THREE things I do everyday

03.  Shower
02.  Hang out with India, Ashley, Kelli, TD, Tina-Shai, Shari, Brittany, Keisha J...
01.  Call Keshaun

TWO things I want to do right now:

02.  Get laid
01.  Get laid, again.

ONE person I want to see right now:

01.  Keshaun

College is a sinch. I'm having fun... whoever isn't, you possibly need to GET OUT YOUR DAMN DORM ROOM AND MAKE SOME FRIENDS lol Kidding. Still, if you see me in the streets, holla at me. I'm too friendly to bite your head off.

- Keisha

Here at Hampton...man, I'm having so much damn fun its crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it's ridiculous how many people I know now that Im here. Its funny, because yesterday during a skit that the Student Leaders were putting on for O PHI O XIII... there was a part where they said "...And theres always that one somebody who just wants to know everybody..." ...tell me why my homegirls (Kelli, my roommate; India and Ashley, Tina-Shai, Brittany) and so many other people in the seminar at that time all turned and looked at me and shouted me out. I laughed so hard!! It was the funniest thing. My voice has been on the brink of GONE since that damn block party we had... somehow I still manage to stay Hi to everyone, give hugs, and make jokes.

I've been here for about one week and it's like... I'm already cliqued up. Though I talk to everybody at some point, if you see me, Im with this big ass group of people all the time, mostly people from the emailing clique started back in January. And yes. The majority of us (99%) STILL TALK and the hang out just about everyday - including Tina, James, India, Nena, Justin, the list goes on. Its crazy though, I stay busy - even when 'busy' is just trying to occupy myself from being bored in the student center. I LOVE IT ALL - Even them damn Ogden meetings. The cafeteria food is questionable however...

- Keisha

<3 TWITCHELL STAND UP!!! SECOND FLOOR WATERSIDE!!!

 Twelve days left.

Jesus, the excitment is too much! It's starting to merge into the beginning of being nervous. But not quite. I still have time before it does!

Some people aren't excited, and I wish they'd be - but I can understand their attachments at home. Significant others, comfort zones... For some of us, like myself, comfort zones aren't wanted. I am literally running away from my comfort zone -- my favorite phrase of the summer is "Don't worry, I'll be leaving soon!" in hopes to soothe the nerves of family and ex boyfriends who are getting tired of the tornadoes I cause in their lives - ha.

I could have stayed in Florida and went to Barry or stuck to art school as I had planned since eight grade... but... Barry seemed so ordinary and way too close to home. And I had chosen an art school in Miami (Art Institute) instead of one far, far away as I had hoped.There was a point where I let myself be swayed and went with staying close to home and I could have done my life-long dream as planned right here in my own homestate -- Miami is known for fashion, it's a major city, it's not like the WHOLE state of Florida is a retirement home. But. Something didn't feel right - I hated the fact that though I wanted so badly to go and experience something NEW, I let myself settle with the norm, the expected, the "we knew she wouldnt...". So. I did the only thing I could do - I went with my gut feeling, ignored my parents, canceled art school, and searched for a different way of getting from point B to point C. And here is where I stand now: Surprise surprise, it's August and I'm getting ready to leave for Virginia! I did not expect to be going down this road, but now that I am... I'm excited and I'm confidant. I can't remember the last time I felt fully confidant about a decision I made. Usually, everything I do is a game of luck - and somehow, I manage to come out on top or atleast break even. For once, things are falling into all the right places and it feels pretty damn good.

The idea of doing something different, going out on a limb, putting myself in an uncontrolled situation where I have to just do my own thing or not --- THATS why I'm excited. I honestly do like the school and the people - of course that was a big part in the decision making process- but the excitment for me is rooted in doing the unpredictable, going so far from home (no friends, no family) and having to just experience all that on top of the typical 'college freshman' experience. It's the opportunity to just put myself to the test, and push all these limits I've had for so long. I guess everyone's reasons and inspiration varies. I have nothing to hold on to here - nothing that I'm willing to knock an opportunity like this for. Not Keshaun, Not my friends, Not my family.  Sad but true - I am en emotional lonestar (is that a word?). I just hope I remember to get those good grades while I'm up there playing with all my damn opportunities lol As much as I'm paying a year, them bitches better educate me to the fullest and my ass better be in that class taking those dern notes!

...There goes my life story. Again.